My World is Changing, Are You Coming With?

My whole life I have had this bizarre and unsettling pattern of health where things suddenly crop up, like overnight, without any warning or seeming link to anything else that has been going on. It’s always been a little disheartening, as you feel like you’ve recovered from the last thing and you literally can wake up in pain from the next thing — then you need to go and investigate this next thing.

It’s exhausting.

But some health issues don’t come up overnight. Some issues creep up over time. You can see them coming.

In my last blog post I wrote about how I had found a physiotherapist who was going to help me possibly return to dance.

A few days later I traveled 9 hrs return by car to a specialist where I was diagnosed with restrictive lung disease. I was shown the results of my lung function tests, which show moderately impaired function.

It’s not that I saw lung disease coming. That part was a little shocking to hear. And seeing the results of my lungs compared with a healthy set of lungs was a little disturbing (read “a lot”), but I did know that something was up.

I started noticing a change back in December. Just very slightly. I thought it might be a flare in my asthma (it is not). From there, I increasingly felt tighter in my chest faster, during ballet classes, when I walked anywhere etc. etc. Then over the past 3 months it has just gotten worse and worse. I kept pushing myself for a while, until I couldn’t. The GP tried steroids and high doses of ventolin, but when those didn’t improve me much, he finally referred me to a specialist.

Some nights I would go to sleep asking my husband to please check on me through the night, because I just felt like I could easily stop breathing in my sleep. I am more relaxed about it now, I think because I’ve been experiencing it for a while, I just trust that it won’t get that bad. But I do have to watch how hard I push myself as it is sometimes pretty scary when I go too far.

At the moment it’s like this: If I do something like put the dinner on to cook AND pack away the clean dishes, I then need to sit down to recover my breath and I cannot talk for a little while as it’s hard to regulate your breathing while talking. After about 10 minutes I usually feel okay enough to talk again.

I am now waiting to see a new specialist for further testing to try and find the cause. I have everything crossed that we find the cause is something that can be reversed or improved upon.

I also found out that what I thought were 2 more hernias in my abdomen are actually 1 large one. Ugh. No wonder I have been in so much pain! Anyway, will need to have those repaired sooner rather than later, and meanwhile I am pretty restricted in the movements I can do without causing immense pain.

So, now that those things are out of the way, I’d like to share something with you all. I have been thinking, like, a LOT, recently. I have missed writing for myself and interacting with my blog friends. I have missed feeling inspired to write. And I have struggled with being in so much discomfort, not knowing what next week holds for me, and at the same time dealing with the feelings I get when I come on to try to write something on Bush Ballerina. Because right now, ballet isn’t my thing. And I’m kind of hurt by the reminder.

I recently thought about the idea of dropping Bush Ballerina altogether but it didn’t feel right. I haven’t given up on the idea of dancing. But at the same time, it’s also not at all what my focus is on right now.

My focus has shifted pretty radically. I seem to be in what us EDSers call ‘a major health flare’ where a lot of my body’s bits are just chucking tantrums left, right and center. I also have a few health issues that have come up that I am learning may not go away. And whilst that’s not an easy thing to accept, it is a pretty blunt kick up the backside, to get my priorities right.

Right now, my primary focus is on health.

But I don’t want to stop communicating with all my beautiful blogger friends. ‘Cause I loves you all! πŸ™‚ I also like the mental clarity I get from writing my thoughts down in blog form.

Sooooooooo, after much thinking about it, and a little teariness πŸ˜₯ I have decided to keep blogging here but make some changes. The ballerina part is not relevant now (more sobs πŸ˜₯ ), so I will be changing the name and the header. And I suppose the biggest change will be my content. To be honest, I’m not sure how my content will play out. I’m mostly interested in writing about the positive things I find helpful to my health (like the aromatherapy I have started using for instance) and just my observations on what works and what doesn’t.

I will write updates on my health stuff, andΒ I’m sure there will be blog posts that are me writing the raw stuff out, and I’m okay with that as that stuff is real, and real is important. But I don’t want that to bog the blog down. I am more interested in finding answers and keys to unlocking positive health change for myself. And I want to write about all the other awesome stuff that I do in my life, too! πŸ™‚

I don’t really know how it’s all going to unfold from here. But this is sort of a new blogging path and I’m really glad that I have finally chosen to take it. I’d love all of my fans/friends/followers to come along for this next part of the journey, but I understand if some of you feel the end for us is here.

So, like a choose your own adventure book, you have a choice:

A) Cut the ropes that bind us and sail off into the sunset on your own, knowing we shall always remember the good times we had, or…

B) Stick around,and find out if there was more to “cut the ropes that bind us” than a cute metaphor πŸ˜‰ (Just jokes. I’m not into ropes, but I would love you to stay! πŸ˜€ )

For those who are leaving, I wish you every happiness and thanks for travelling with me this far.

For everyone who is hanging around for the next part of the journey, welcome aboard — let’s go!

22 thoughts on “My World is Changing, Are You Coming With?”

  1. Hang in there πŸ™‚ Health issues suck, I still can’t touch my toes and trying to has made me worse >.< But never give up! Ballet can still be part of your life, there's a whole new language to learn and all new dance videos being posted online everyday. Just because you can't physically dance doesn't mean you can't still enjoy it πŸ™‚ All the best with your issues, I'll be hanging around to support you. Keep smiling ❀


  2. I am definitely not cutting the ropes. I do not follow your blog because of ballet only. I follow because you are an amazing person and I like your writing. So I guess I will be hanging around as long as you let me.


  3. Ballet is something we’ve had in common, but I value my blog friends even if they are halfway around the world. You are focusing on what you should, your health. My prayers are with you as you recover.

    You have been an inspiration. I for one will be sticking with hearing about your journey. Hang in there!


    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate your prayers and am very happy that you’re sticking around! πŸ™‚ And I feel the same way, I value my blog friends for more than dance. xxx


  4. Keep it up! DO IT! I really enjoy reading everything you write, especially your thoughts and perspectives on health and chronic illness, and fitting your passions in around it. So often I feel understood when I read your writing, and it is an unusual combination to find. Keep it up – don’t let the restriction on ballet cut you off from the emotional outlet of writing. I cannot wait to read everything you write, about health, sickness, passion, all of it. xxx


    1. Alanna, thank you so much for your comment. I’m so glad I can bring a sense of understanding to others. That is precious to me. And I am glad that you aren’t scared off by my honest account of health issues. I appreciate your support and I’m glad that you’re hanging around. πŸ™‚ xx


  5. I am a bit of a random blog follower. I first started checking out your blog through Daves link. Ballet hasnt really been something that has interested me but by reading your blog I have a better understanding and appreciation of it. You are a fantastic writer keep it up your style suits my short concentration span. To explain that, my wife can read a book in a week for me its takes 6 months so I dont really read books as such. I look forward to reading about your improving health and or whatever direction your blog takes. πŸ™‚


    1. Hey there Greg! Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting, it means a whole heap to me. I have found your support over the past few months special as I know ballet stuff can be painful for non-ballet peeps to follow. I know you have followed my journey out of the kindness of your heart and I am very appreciative of it. So glad you will be continuing on with me. πŸ™‚ xxx


  6. Sending you all the light and love we have! I’m glad to hear you’re working with specialist and getting to the bottom of this.
    I found your blog because of ballet,but I don’t need you to be dancing to keep caring about your life… plus, I disagree… the ballerina part will always be relevant… that’s you.
    You’re on a different part of your journey now and your friends around here are no less interested in supporting you through this.
    We know a lot less about lung disease than pas de bourree, but whatever the topic, we know we don’t want you, your passion, your light, your perspective, your blog to disappear.


    1. Thank you, WDB! What a lovely message. Of course, ballet will always be in me and I will always love it, but I am happy that you are staying around with me on the next part of my journey. πŸ™‚ xxx


  7. I started following you just before you started having serious flare ups. At first because of the ballet but as things developped, I grew more interested on your perspectives and thoughts on life. I too no longer dance, in my case because of chronic joint pain. I keep the hope that someday I will put on my dancing shoes again. But in the meantime, there are other challenges to take on, so I’ll be tagging along and cheering you on, on whaterver new direction you decide to take.


    1. Hi Marisa. Thank you for commenting. I’m sorry that you are unable to dance at the moment. Do you have a blog? I’d love to follow you πŸ™‚ I’m delighted that you have been following my journey and that you wish to continue. I look forward to continuing to share my perspectives on all things with you. πŸ™‚ xx


  8. I’m staying on, no matter what. I want to hear about your journey, and also to provide some support, no matter how small it may be. You are a person who is full of life. You may dance again, or you may not. But you will be one of the people who inspire me — I think your light needs to be shared. Your blog is one way to do that with so many others! Much love and well wishes!


    1. Thank you TDR! I am completely flattered that you say I inspire you. That makes me feel good about continuing to share my thoughts in blogland. I have always been grateful of your support and I am thrilled that you will be hanging around! πŸ™‚ Much love back. Thank you. xxx


  9. You are so brave ZoΓ«! Of course we are going to stick around, we are all anxious to see how you are doing.
    Hang in there, even though it might seem tough, you only have one body and that one deserves all the care in the world right now.
    I’m saying AyAy sir, let’s go! Hugs and kisses!


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