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Please Don't Believe in Me

… because seriously, it would be so much easier that way.

The drums of negative self-belief could keep beating.

My heart could stay caged.

The comfort zone of all I have ever seen could remain securely in my surrounds.

I wouldn’t have to step even a toe through that grating, uncomfortable barrier that has been gripping me so tightly.

I could continue to avoid confronting what has kept me here…

…in this place of “I can’t” and “I don’t deserve”.

I can dodge the pain that comes with asking “Why?”

I could continue to feel as though all is right.

I could avoid the fight.

But ya know, I can’t do any of that, when you take my hand and walk me to the land of believing.

When you gently and magically clear the dust and show me what could be.

When you matter-of-factly show me what I could do. How I could feel. What Ideserve.

When you tell me you think I can.

These notions fill my mind with crazy ideas of…

Hope.

Belief.

Pride.

OMG. Wait, what? “Pride?”

That is the strangest damn sensation I’ve ever experienced.

How about..

Confidence?

Strength?

Capability?

I have only started feeling these things since starting ballet. And more intensely since going to Studio Tibor and getting such amazing ballet /therapy from Tibor and Vadym.

My first class at QLD Ballet moved things around in me also — and I’m not talking about pie!

(Because despite being an activity that requires much correction, it is somehow a nurturing expansive experience in which you cannot help but progress in some way.)

And now, as I stare down the barrel of more and more ballet, with more and more confronting of internal beliefs, this crap just gets louder and louder.

I know I have to move through them all. And I will. And it will be a sublime day when I reach the other side.

I want to thank my teachers for being such a huge inspiration.

And I want all you wonderful amazing adult dancers out there to know that I am so intensely inspired by each of you. Whether you relate to my self-belief journey or not, doesn’t matter to me.

I read your stories and hear your journeys and they fill me up with such admiration. You give me a sense of tangible possibility.

“If they can, I can!”

I can live my belief vicariously through you all. And I do. 😉

But for now, I was thinking, maybe we could substitute “I believe in you” with something else, you know, like so as to avoid direct contact with the big “B”? Maybe something like…

“Those apples are lovely.” Or…

“The weather’s looking good.” Or…

“Your arse looks great in those jeans.”

I was thinking, you know, if I throw a nice developpe or pirouette, I could handle a little “Those apples are lovely” waaaaaaaay easier than a direct compliment on my dancing.

Yeah! Let’s do that!

If someone says any of the above to me I’m just going to go ‘Oh, cool!’

No freak out. No need to run to the nearest corner and take to the fetal position.

I wanted to share this with others now because of the vague possibility that it might help someone else. I don’t want others to feel they are alone in feeling self-doubt or that you will never get to where want to be.

You are not alone. We can move forward together.

You will be awesome!

But for now — please don’t tell me you believe in me.

Just tell me the weather’s looking good. 😉

P.S — Your arse looks great in those jeans.

2*Disclaimer: This post was an emotional overflow. Probably no harm will come to those who use the “B” word. 😉

Bush xxx

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