OMG! My first how-to post! I’m so excited!
Firstly, remind yourself while you attempt these stretches that you’re only human.
Some people say there is a right and wrong way of doing stretches.
I tend to think it’s all a bit open to interpretation.
Okay, so here are the stretches I want to show you today. Enjoy! 🙂
1) The Floor Has Never Felt So Fucking Far Away
This stretch is to release the hamstrings. You want to gently reach down to the floor.
It helps if you stretch your fingers out really wide and express all your pain with your face.
Visualization has been proven to be a powerful tool. Being able to see yourself reaching further may help your progress. So hallucinogenic fungi might be helpful for this one.
2) The Crotch Cramp
In this stretch you want to place your foot on the barre and gently reach for it. If you feel your crotch starting to cramp up, you’re probably on the right track.
It’s important to aim for straight legs and back in this stretch. But most important is that you fully express how badly you want to reach your foot.
3) The Crotch Cramp — With Port De Bras and Happy Face.
When you are feeling confident with your execution of The Crotch Cramp stretch, it is probably time to add some delicate ballet arms and ballet face to the pose.
When doing this, you simply want to do the same as the previous stretch, but add some lovely fifth position arms and turn toward the camera/audience/teacher and express your best, delicate, in control, poised ballet smile.
Again, it’s important to hold straight legs and back. But more importantly, your smile should hide the pain you and your crotch are in.
4) The Barre Hang
This stretch is important for developing your front splits. It’s mainly just important that you look really proud of yourself and that you hold on really tight so that you don’t fall onto the floor and break your vagina.
5) The Barre Hang — With Port De Bras
This stretch is fairly self explanatory. You are simply adding some lovely port-de-bras to the previous stretch. We do this because adding another level of complexity to our exercises always helps us progress so much more (as you can see in the photo demonstration.)
It’s really important to relax into this stretch.
I hope you have found this how-to tutorial helpful. If you would like to see any other how-to tutorials from me, let me know in the comments or on one of the social media gatherings.
This is a joke.
This is not real instruction.
Don’t do these stretches like this.
Don’t stretch without being really warm first, and I don’t mean warm in front of a fire, I mean having warm muscles.
Don’t stretch without instruction from someone.
Don’t pull those faces.
Don’t be stupid.