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This Time Around

This time round on my ballet journey, I have the power of knowledge alongside me. I am aware of my body’s strengths and weaknesses.

It’s funny because, although this time round I have many many more challenges, I am choosing to see those challenges as opportunities to do things the right way for me, and therefor achieve more of my dreams and goals.

Last time, I had hopes and dreams but was continuously failing. I was continuously feeling my body crumble when it didn’t seem like it should.

I was being told my body was perfect for ballet and “should” be able to make all these perfect ballet shapes if I tried hard enough.

I also had a strange fear of movement. I began to get over that fear while I was at the barre — in fact, Iearned to adore the feeling of movement at the barre, and I even started feeling a little more confident with some pirouettes.

But move me away from the barre and I completely froze up.

I remember during my first private class my teacher tried to teach me a very simply pas de bourree with a simple relaxed pirouette on the end.

But it was the strangest thing. It felt like I was learning to walk again. Like everything was foreign to me. Like I didn’t even know my left from my right. Like I didn’t even know my own name anymore.

I used to walk away from centre time feeling so deflated. I didn’t understand why my body felt so weak in the centre and I didn’t feel like it would ever end.

(I do have to add that my in-class teachers were wonderful. They would always say, ‘Just give it a try!’ They could see I was really struggling and didn’t make me feel worse for it. And I am incredibly grateful for that!)

Now, after having experienced such a massive physical breakdown, and doctors finally being forced to pay attention — and that attention leading to the right diagnoses’ and now treatment, has meant that I actually know now why my body was not ‘failing’ but struggling with certain elements and why I felt so awkward doing centre work. Yes, there are actual physiological reasons for it!

So many things make sense to me now.

I remember during my hardest days a few months ago, I would lie there, unable to speak properly, unable to stand up, unable to wash myself, pain searing through my body, and I would try to think of the good things in my life. I found them in my children and my hopes for better times some day. But it was bloody hard to find them. Some days I was too consumed by my suffering to find them and I just wished for the day to end. 

But I never thought I would one day look back at that time and see it as a vital part of my future success.

And that is what it is. (I am not ignorantly suggesting that this is how it is for all chronic illness sufferers. We all have our own journeys.)

There will be many ups and downs ahead. And my daily grind is still a pretty heavy grind.

But now I am armed with knowledge and am moving forward in an achievable way, giving my body all the support and understanding it needs, to get me where I want to go.

And understanding makes ALL the difference. I’m no longer confused. I no longer feel like a failure. I feel more confident that I can achieve my dreams than I have ever felt before — because I have adjusted my dreams and the ways I intend on achieving them.

I may have health issues that are making me see things in this new light, but I think it’s relatable to everyone who may start to feel that pressured feeling about what they’re trying to achieve.

I suggest we all stop comparing ourselves to others and start learning about our own bodies, how we work and don’t work and start working WITH ourselves rather than against ourselves. As that is how I see the greatest growth happening.

Zoe xxx

P.S remember, if you like it… share it! 🙂

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Low Self-Confidence — What's the Point?

Low self-confidence. What’s the point?

I’ve struggled with low self-confidence a lot in my life. Crushingly low at times. It seems to have been one of the big lessons I have had to explore on my journey. And it’s a tricky one at that.

An important thing I have learned about low self-confidence is that there’s really no point to it. It doesn’t take you anywhere. It doesn’t help you grow or feel good about yourself.

It usually immobilizes you, stopping you from moving forward in the direction you want to go by creating the “I can’t” internal dialog.

And the irony is that you NEED to be saying “I can” in order to move forward.

You don’t need to know what you’re doing all the time. But you DO need to be able to move forward. You need to be unlocked and free to have a go.

Be confident that you can learn. You can step forward.

You can.

Low self-confidence gets in the way of that forward movement. It has no productive purpose. There is no point to it.

None. Nada. Zip.

So let it go.

Let. It. Go

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Thank You

To everyone who helped me spread the word of my new online shop, I have to tell you how amazing you all are. I was amazed by the chain of events that took place after I posted about the shop. There were blog posts, tweets, retweets, links and Facebook statuses that spread around the internet, helping my plight to get to more ballet classes.

I was totally overwhelmed (and fairly teary) by the generosity. It all happened just a couple of days before I went to Sydney so I didn’t have time to write a thank you post before. So I’m writing it now. I read every one of your messages and every one of them brought love to my heart.

Seeing other people proudly support me, also helped me to feel more proud of what I am doing. I felt my confidence being boosted, which is amazingly timely as you will see in my Sydney Part Two post.

Thank you! I feel incredibly blessed and honoured to know such beautiful people. And I hope that I can repay you all some way, sometime.

For all of you…

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Much love.

BB

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When Wrong Becomes Right

I was tired. It was late. And an accidental slip of my finger saw me press the publish button on the wrong post.

The last post I published. The one about my dream was never meant to be published.

I write lots of posts that remain in the drafts folder and never see the light of the internet. Two days ago, I wrote two posts. Late that night I read over each one to see if either deserved to be published and I decided on publishing one of them. But that one wasn’t about my dream. After reading over the “I had a Dream” post I had decided it might come across as too wish-washy and flaky. It was a truthful account of my ballet dream but, I don’t know, maybe I just felt too exposed putting that out there — as it does seem kind of far fetched.

So when I checked my blog to see that the post had loaded properly and saw that the wrong one went up my heart jumped into my throat. “Oh darn it!” is the polite version of what went through my head, and “Should I delete it?” was the next thing. I quickly realised that I was too tired to think about this and decided to leave it, go to bed, and deal with it in the morning.

And I’m so glad that I did.

That accidental slip of my finger lead to some of the most encouraging, inspiring messages I have ever received. From other dancers and non-dancers. From strangers around the world and from friends. I felt such an amazing sense of encouragement and passion. It really blew my mind.

Perhaps the most surprising message I received came from Tibor Horvath, from Studio Tibor. He sent a kind, encouraging and very generous message after reading my post.

I liken this experience to some kind of ballet passion heaven. It was just beautiful.

So I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who sent those messages. You have all helped me to feel more passionate about making my ballet dream come true, for which I am intensely appreciative and grateful.

Also, now if someone questions my sanity when they hear about my dream, I can blame all of you! 😀

Just kidding (sort of) 😉