This Time Around

This time round on my ballet journey, I have the power of knowledge alongside me. I am aware of my body’s strengths and weaknesses.

It’s funny because, although this time round I have many many more challenges, I am choosing to see those challenges as opportunities to do things the right way for me, and therefor achieve more of my dreams and goals.

Last time, I had hopes and dreams but was continuously failing. I was continuously feeling my body crumble when it didn’t seem like it should.

I was being told my body was perfect for ballet and “should” be able to make all these perfect ballet shapes if I tried hard enough.

I also had a strange fear of movement. I began to get over that fear while I was at the barre — in fact, Iearned to adore the feeling of movement at the barre, and I even started feeling a little more confident with some pirouettes.

But move me away from the barre and I completely froze up.

I remember during my first private class my teacher tried to teach me a very simply pas de bourree with a simple relaxed pirouette on the end.

But it was the strangest thing. It felt like I was learning to walk again. Like everything was foreign to me. Like I didn’t even know my left from my right. Like I didn’t even know my own name anymore.

I used to walk away from centre time feeling so deflated. I didn’t understand why my body felt so weak in the centre and I didn’t feel like it would ever end.

(I do have to add that my in-class teachers were wonderful. They would always say, ‘Just give it a try!’ They could see I was really struggling and didn’t make me feel worse for it. And I am incredibly grateful for that!)

Now, after having experienced such a massive physical breakdown, and doctors finally being forced to pay attention — and that attention leading to the right diagnoses’ and now treatment, has meant that I actually know now why my body was not ‘failing’ but struggling with certain elements and why I felt so awkward doing centre work. Yes, there are actual physiological reasons for it!

So many things make sense to me now.

I remember during my hardest days a few months ago, I would lie there, unable to speak properly, unable to stand up, unable to wash myself, pain searing through my body, and I would try to think of the good things in my life. I found them in my children and my hopes for better times some day. But it was bloody hard to find them. Some days I was too consumed by my suffering to find them and I just wished for the day to end. 

But I never thought I would one day look back at that time and see it as a vital part of my future success.

And that is what it is. (I am not ignorantly suggesting that this is how it is for all chronic illness sufferers. We all have our own journeys.)

There will be many ups and downs ahead. And my daily grind is still a pretty heavy grind.

But now I am armed with knowledge and am moving forward in an achievable way, giving my body all the support and understanding it needs, to get me where I want to go.

And understanding makes ALL the difference. I’m no longer confused. I no longer feel like a failure. I feel more confident that I can achieve my dreams than I have ever felt before — because I have adjusted my dreams and the ways I intend on achieving them.

I may have health issues that are making me see things in this new light, but I think it’s relatable to everyone who may start to feel that pressured feeling about what they’re trying to achieve.

I suggest we all stop comparing ourselves to others and start learning about our own bodies, how we work and don’t work and start working WITH ourselves rather than against ourselves. As that is how I see the greatest growth happening.

Zoe xxx

P.S remember, if you like it… share it! 🙂

Dear Dream Seekers…

Dear Dream Seekers,

You are wonderful. You are inspiration. You are life being lived.

I love seeing so many adult ballerinas emerging currently. Particularly on Instagram, it’s like watching these beautiful buds of hidden desires start opening their dare-to-dream petals and blossom into the most beautiful, soulful dancers.

Something I have noticed is that there seems to be an ever persistent pressure flowing from within many of the adult ballet students I see.

Inner pressure to be good at something we love is not a new thing. It is natural to want to progress.

And I am no stranger to that inner pressure. I felt it. I breathed it in and out, day and night. And it happily went and killed my love of ballet (for a while.)

And so I feel a little sad when I see people putting huge amounts of pressure on themselves to be better at something they love.

I mean, if you love it, then you should be doing it for love.

Let’s repeat that: If you love it, you should be doing it for love.

I know that you want progress. And I know that the ballet studio is a pretty intense place regarding your progress — indeed, it can sometimes feel like a comparison festival is happening in each class.

Everything you want is a valid desire. Improvement, enjoyment, strength, musicality, memories, flexibilities. It’s up to you what you want to aim for. It’s your life. Your choice. No-one else can, or has the right to, choose them for you.

But please be sure to think about it first. Think about you and what you really want because of how those things make YOU feel.

Don’t look at what someone else is doing and just follow along. God knows, you might wake up ten years from now able to do the splits but not able to dance in the centre. You might then shake your fists in the air and scream at yourself for following the splits trend only because it was what others were doing — and you missed getting your teacher to help you learn some amazing mini-solo piece that feels like heaven to dance.

Don’t set yourself up to one day wreak of regret.

So, with that in mind, what I do hope you do is sit with yourself a while. Ask yourself what you feel in this moment you want to do — like actually do right now — because you never know what amazing idea might have been waiting to flow through you but just hasn’t had the window opened to it before.

Then, ask yourself what you think you might regret NOT doing in twenty years time. I usually get my deepest inspirations flowing from this one.

Then lovingly think about all the things you, your body and mind, are good at doing. Really appreciate those things. If ballet is your thing, maybe you’re really musical and your body just naturally flows with the music, maybe you have lovely hand expressions, maybe you have a sparkly passion, maybe you have strong muscles, maybe you can smile during class (harder for some than others!), maybe you understand combinations, maybe you are flexible, or have lovely feet, or maybe you feel your soul fill up during ballet class.

These are all wonderful elements of what you do and of how you feel. I feel it’s important to fully embrace them. Soak yourself in the things about you and your passion, that you love.

When thinking about what goals to set yourself, or what path to set off on, I think it’s really important to take stock first, of all the wonderful parts of yourself that already exist within your passion.

I would look at what you love doing now, look at what you would regret not doing, and set your path accordingly.

If achieving the splits for ballet is part of that path then set your goals and go for it. If it’s smiling more during class, or learning a combination, or performing — then set your goals and go for them.

But be sure to start your intentional path with the full acceptance of how incredible you already are.

Be sure that you don’t discount all of your gloriousness and just focus on what you cannot yet do. If you do that you will be starting your journey with a destructive cycle of focusing on your downfalls. You should be real about yourself. But leave the negativity at the door. If negative self-worth is already an issue for you then I would suggest adding that to your goals — “Learn to love myself for all that I am.” That, and if neccesary, see a therapist, because honestly, that bullshit will become a serious obstacle to you fully realising your dreams.

So, in summary…

1) Align your goals with what YOU enjoy doing and what you feel you will regret not doing.

2) Make sure to begin your path to your goals/dreams/passions swimming in self-appreciation for all the wonder you already are.

Always remember why you’re doing it.

Always respect yourself for doing it.

Always hold your head high.

Remember,

You deserve to be in the room.

Zoe xxx

Working Up A Sweat

I have never sweated so much as when I used to do ballet classes, before the break. 

I had actually never really experienced sweat like that before. I remember at my Sydney studio, where the class standards are super high, I would have beads of sweat dripping from my wrist to the floor towards the end of the first plié combination. It was the first time I had ever seen people take sweat towels into a dance studio.

I loved that. 

For me, apart from the burning muscles, the sweat was the most immediate concrete evidence of how hard my body was working.

I really, really, loved that.

Then once I had some recorded private classes to learn from at home, I started, and continued, to work up that fabulous drenching sweat during my home classes too.

I posted many a sweaty post-ballet photo on Instagram. 

As someone who had never been good at ANY athletic activity, I was wearing that sweat loud and proud!

And I’m delighted to say that I have started getting my sweat back. Which is telling me that I’m able to work my body harder and harder. 

This is exciting stuff for me right now.

Today, I wasn’t able to do anything else apart from my ballet and exercise bike/physio, as I’m very wiped out from a few big days, BUT I’m sweating y’all! 

And… I. LOVE. IT. 🙂

In fact, today I managed a warm-up tendu exercise, a full plié combo left and right AND just a little bit of extra foot work.

With the addition of the bike straight afterwards, I was drenched in sweat! 

So, here’s to sweating it out!

Zoe xxx

Give Your Dreams a Spark (aka: saying them out loud)

Remember this…

“Uncaging Secrets

Okay, so upon thinking about it overnight I realise that this isn’t really that deep or dark a secret. And I may have even mentioned it here before, but I am admitting it super duperly, no-turning-back, loud and clear now… 

I wanna know want it feels like to dance en pointe. 

In other words… I WANT TO DANCE EN POINTE! 
In other, other words: I want to slide my feet into pointe shoes, strap those baby’s on and take a tour of the dance floor. 
There. I said it. I mean, it’s obviously not really that much of a secret, but I haven’t gone all out with it before because I feel like such a dick when I say it. Like, I want to crawl under a table when I say it. 
I may, or may not be crawling under a table right now. 
I still have people in my real life finding out that I do ballet from my deck in the bush, and some are overwhelmingly positive about it and others don’t get it. Although I still feel very uncomfortable when people want to talk about it (especially when they don’t get it but want to keep talking about it), I have learned to remind myself that it may seem silly to other people, but to me it was either ballet or a therapist, medication and some pretty dark shit. 
So to choose ballet seems like the most un-silly thing in the world — to me. 
My point is that I’m getting better at not crawling under the table when people say they heard about my ballet (I think about the table but I don’t go there) 😉 
But if I think about allowing myself to want pointe work? ….. 
Damn the underside of this table is cosy. 😉 
Okay, so I have been thinking hypothetically for a while about this and I want to start thinking literally. 
Could I literally do this? I feel like there are so many factors involved. Like how do you learn pointe work if you can only get to an in person class every few months? How do you know you’re ready? How do you even know you have the right shoes without your teacher seeing you dance in them again and again? How do remain safe? What if you snap your ankle? 
Why am I thinking about crazy things like pointe shoes? Where has my table gone? 
But hang on a sec. Take a breath and calm a little down. Okay, calm a lot down! Is it possible that a sensible person could do an absolute beginner pointe class, or record a private absolute beginner pointe class, and then just keep repeating that at home? And then learn more at their next class, and go home and repeat and practice that — and just repeat that again and again? And I’m not talking about starting turns en pointe. I’ve seen how intense pointe classes are, I ain’t stupid. 
I’m just thinking about starting with the prep work and then the barre work. 
Is it possible? 
So, here’s the thing, I don’t know if it’s possible or not, but it is a desire that is growing inside me. It’s getting closer and closer to the surface. I’m sure you all remember taking your first ballet class as an adult? I’m sure you remember the build up to that class, the moment you decided it had to stop being an idea and start being real? 
That’s what this feels like. I am terrified that I will be terrible at it, my feet will break and I will be mortified by the whole experience — but despite all those fears, I am feeling more and more pull towards having a go. 
I want to add that experience to my ballet journey. I would love to know when I would be ready for it. In any case, it’s a huge thing for me to be letting this secret out of the vault. So I’m gonna just let it hang around with me. Let it be present with me and allow it to exist and breathe for a while. 
Well, thanks for listening. Here’s to uncaging secrets. Here’s to these feet possibly being in pointe shoes some day! “

  

I was thinking, almost boringly, about how I need to order a new pair of pointe shoes soon, when it dawned on me that just a few months ago I was sweating with fear about going into a bloch shop and asking to be fitted for my first pair of pointes.

And I remembered this post. And as I reread through it I could tangibly feel my desire to try pointe work. And as I felt the memories of those feelings and desires I started feeling pretty darn proud. 

I did it!

I took the leap of faith. I refused to let the doubt keep me imprisoned. 

I felt the fear and did it anyway.

I was safe. Overly cautious. And completely aware of everything that could go wrong. 

But I took itty bitty steps. And slowly eased myself into this dream. 

Then I eased my feet into those point shoes.

Then I stood up en pointe in those pointe shoes.

I did it! 

And how did it feel to finally do it?

The emotional and mental feelings were all jumbled and mixed up during this process, and are a bit of a blur. 

But one thing I remember crystal clearly is how my feet felt. Because it was so striking to me. I thought they were going to scream at me, but they didn’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure I heard them say…

“Thank you for bringing us home.”

That’s what it felt like. Like my feet were home. Finally home.

So odd. Completely unexpected. And NOT AT ALL how I expect them to be feeling after an actually pointe class. 🙂

Isn’t it amazing what we can do when we allow ourselves to want it? thats the thing I really wanted to write about today. 

Dreams, be them big or small, all need a start. If I hadn’t ever allowed myself to want to dance en pointe, if I had never let the secret out of the vault, it never would have happened.

I have found that the most important part of achieving your dreams is daring to say you want them in the first place. You’ve gotta let those babies out. 

It’s almost like, if you keep them inside you, even you can’t see them clearly. So how can they get started?

It’s really scary but for your dreams to light up, they need a spark. Saying them out loud is the spark. If you don’t want to speak them then start by writing them down. But let them out.

Give them the spark they need to get started.

I have loved looking back at this post today. It’s helped me to see what my own courage and determination can lead to. Something I never thought would happen did happen.

Can’t wait to see what’s next!

P.S: just so you know, my comments section is a safe haven for dream sparks. 🙂

   

   

Are You House Sitting Someone Else's Life?

I spent the first 12 years of my life living in Sydney. In the city. Glebe to be precise. We were all pretty independent kids, catching buses and trains from a pretty early age. Walking through city streets to get to corner shops, parks or friends houses. By the time we were leaving the city, I was a city person through and through.

I knew the sights, smells and sounds of the city like the back of my hand. I still do!

We moved out of the city and since then I have lived in a few different places but have never been far from the hustle and bustle and always made time to come and get my city fix. When we had children, I wanted them to experience the city too. So we spent many weekends coming into the city soaking up its culture, sounds, sights, knowledge, people and vibrance. 

I know people who were raised in the city, who just loved getting away from it. But that wasn’t the case for me.

For me, those first 12 years imprinted city life onto my soul. My love for the city was hardwired. It was done. 

And there has never been an undoing.

The only reason I never moved back to the city was that living there permanently wasn’t good for my health — my asthma and allergies. 

Sooo life goes on. Things change. Decisions are made. People move. We move.

Our hearts are pulled toward the polar opposite of our previous city life. 

We have the epiphany. We want a country life!

We make a plan. A fabulous plan to make our tree change. 

We find a property. Consider employment. Think about the children. Plan, plan, plan.

And it all seems so perfect. The kids will get a country life, they’ll have treehouses and tree swings and animals to frolick with and they’ll run wild through the meadows in floral handsewn dresses and pick flowers and be merrier than we ever could have imagined.

We will have animals that are so full of personality that it makes it simply agonising to say goodbye. We will build our new earthhouse with spectacular views and live a peaceful, stress free, hippie-farming sort of life.

That’s how the story was supposed to be written.

But the story didn’t go exactly as planned. Our story is of us being blind sided by our tree change.

It has taken me a little longer to adjust to country living than I had hoped. 8-ish years, actually, but I think I am finally coming to terms with it. I might even go so far as to say I am loving it these days. I would definitely go so far as to say that I would never want to live in the suburbs again. But I am still learning the country ropes and I still see things through VERY city-girl eyes.

I suppose that’s part of why, during those desperate times two years ago, I chose ballet as my relief. I was seeking something to find happiness in, as everything was so bleak at that time, but looking around me then, I couldn’t find anything that felt like home. It all still felt so foreign to me then, like I was house sitting in someone else’s life.

Things have definitely changed since then and I think my ballet journey is part of that. 

Exploring something new away from the property made me look at where I was. The geographical reality helped me to see and accept where I am at with more ease.

And it’s the house sitting thing from above that really got me. I realised how scary that is, the possibility that I was just house sitting in someone else’s life’s? Holy crap, how terrifying is that?!

Well it’s terrifying for me. I don’t want to reach the end of my life and look back only to realise that I didn’t own my life, that I just house sat someone else’s.

With this in mind I moved forward, and continue to move forward, always reminding myself that I own my life and asking “What do I want to do with it?”

So that’s my message today….

Don’t house sit someone else’s life. 

You’re life. You’re canvas. Paint it however you like.

P.S: The first animals we got on our property were six chickens. We adored those girls. Until we found out they were guys. 

We had six roosters. 

They weren’t peaceful or stress free. And we weren’t sad to see them go.

Somebody Got Herself a Tutu … and a Hat

Dear Readers,

Soooooo, while in town last week, I spoiled myself with a spot of recycled clothes shopping. Love the great finds you can stumble across in those stores. Especially the unique finds. Especially the unique ballet related finds.

Okay, okay, let’s just out with it — I found a tutu… and I BOUGHT it!

I’ve seen costumes in the past but just felt too damn silly to actually pick it up and take it to the counter and say “Yes, I would like to buy this please.”

But this days must’a been a special one as I leapt at the opportunity to buy this skirt.

My eldest daughter, Angel One, is studying fashion design this year and had picked up a fabulous hat to add to her collection.

So when we got home there they were. The hat and the tutu.

It was clearly time for some fun in the studios. And let’s just say that we now have a new equation: hat + tutu = magic time.

Good golly it was so much fun playing with these costumes. Here are some of the results…

Have you ever had fun dressing up in costumes for dance? What were they? Have any pics to share with me?

Bush xxx

Please Don't Believe in Me

… because seriously, it would be so much easier that way.

The drums of negative self-belief could keep beating.

My heart could stay caged.

The comfort zone of all I have ever seen could remain securely in my surrounds.

I wouldn’t have to step even a toe through that grating, uncomfortable barrier that has been gripping me so tightly.

I could continue to avoid confronting what has kept me here…

…in this place of “I can’t” and “I don’t deserve”.

I can dodge the pain that comes with asking “Why?”

I could continue to feel as though all is right.

I could avoid the fight.

But ya know, I can’t do any of that, when you take my hand and walk me to the land of believing.

When you gently and magically clear the dust and show me what could be.

When you matter-of-factly show me what I could do. How I could feel. What Ideserve.

When you tell me you think I can.

These notions fill my mind with crazy ideas of…

Hope.

Belief.

Pride.

OMG. Wait, what? “Pride?”

That is the strangest damn sensation I’ve ever experienced.

How about..

Confidence?

Strength?

Capability?

I have only started feeling these things since starting ballet. And more intensely since going to Studio Tibor and getting such amazing ballet /therapy from Tibor and Vadym.

My first class at QLD Ballet moved things around in me also — and I’m not talking about pie!

(Because despite being an activity that requires much correction, it is somehow a nurturing expansive experience in which you cannot help but progress in some way.)

And now, as I stare down the barrel of more and more ballet, with more and more confronting of internal beliefs, this crap just gets louder and louder.

I know I have to move through them all. And I will. And it will be a sublime day when I reach the other side.

I want to thank my teachers for being such a huge inspiration.

And I want all you wonderful amazing adult dancers out there to know that I am so intensely inspired by each of you. Whether you relate to my self-belief journey or not, doesn’t matter to me.

I read your stories and hear your journeys and they fill me up with such admiration. You give me a sense of tangible possibility.

“If they can, I can!”

I can live my belief vicariously through you all. And I do. 😉

But for now, I was thinking, maybe we could substitute “I believe in you” with something else, you know, like so as to avoid direct contact with the big “B”? Maybe something like…

“Those apples are lovely.” Or…

“The weather’s looking good.” Or…

“Your arse looks great in those jeans.”

I was thinking, you know, if I throw a nice developpe or pirouette, I could handle a little “Those apples are lovely” waaaaaaaay easier than a direct compliment on my dancing.

Yeah! Let’s do that!

If someone says any of the above to me I’m just going to go ‘Oh, cool!’

No freak out. No need to run to the nearest corner and take to the fetal position.

I wanted to share this with others now because of the vague possibility that it might help someone else. I don’t want others to feel they are alone in feeling self-doubt or that you will never get to where want to be.

You are not alone. We can move forward together.

You will be awesome!

But for now — please don’t tell me you believe in me.

Just tell me the weather’s looking good. 😉

P.S — Your arse looks great in those jeans.

*Disclaimer: This post was an emotional overflow. Probably no harm will come to those who use the “B” word. 😉

Bush xxx

Just in case you didn't already know…

https://www.facebook.com/BushBallerina

New Video…

Hey darlings,

Here is a video from a couple of weeks back. I am trying to focus on holding my elbows up while turning and getting into a nice high releve. Also focusing on balance and core stuff.

🙂

Uncaging Secrets

Okay, so upon thinking about it overnight I realise that this isn’t really that deep or dark a secret. And I may have even mentioned it here before, but I am admitting it super duperly, no-turning-back, loud and clear now…

I wanna know want it feels like to dance en pointe.

In other words…

I WANT TO DANCE EN POINTE!

In other, other words: I want to slide my feet into pointe shoes, strap those baby’s on and take a tour of the dance floor.

There. I said it.

I mean, it’s obviously not really that much of a secret, but I haven’t gone all out with it before because I feel like such a dick when I say it. Like, I want to crawl under a table when I say it. I may, or may not be crawling under a table right now.

I still have people in my real life finding out that I do ballet from my deck in the bush, and some are overwhelmingly positive about it and others don’t get it. Although I still feel very uncomfortable when people want to talk about it (especially when they don’t get it but want to keep talking about it), I have learned to remind myself that it may seem silly to other people, but to me it was either ballet or a therapist, medication and some pretty dark shit. So to choose ballet seems like the most un-silly thing in the world — to me. My point is that I’m getting better at not crawling under the table when people say they heard about my ballet (I think about the table but I don’t go there) 😉

But if I think about allowing myself to want pointe work? ….. Damn the underside of this table is cosy. 😉

Okay, so I have been thinking hypothetically for a while about this and I want to start thinking literally.

Could I literally do this?

I feel like there are so many factors involved. Like how do you learn pointe work if you can only get to an in person class every few months? How do you know you’re ready? How do you even know you have the right shoes without your teacher seeing you dance in them again and again? How do remain safe? What if you snap your ankle? Why am I thinking about crazy things like pointe shoes? Where has my table gone?

But hang on a sec. Take a breath and calm a little down. Okay, calm a lot down!

Is it possible that a sensible person could do an absolute beginner pointe class, or record a private absolute beginner pointe class, and then just keep repeating that at home? And then learn more at their next class, and go home and repeat and practice that — and just repeat that again and again?

And I’m not talking about starting turns en pointe. I’ve seen how intense pointe classes are, I ain’t stupid. I’m just thinking about starting with the prep work and then the barre work.

Is it possible?

So, here’s the thing, I don’t know if it’s possible or not, but it is a desire that is growing inside me. It’s getting closer and closer to the surface. I’m sure you all remember taking your first ballet class as an adult? I’m sure you remember the build up to that class, the moment you decided it had to stop being an idea and start being real? That’s what this feels like. I am terrified that I will be terrible at it, my feet will break and I will be mortified by the whole experience — but despite all those fears, I am feeling more and more pull towards having a go. I want to add that experience to my ballet journey. I would love to know when I would be ready for it.

In any case, it’s a huge thing for me to be letting this secret out of the vault. So I’m gonna just let it hang around with me. Let it be present with me and allow it to exist and breathe for a while.

And in the meantime, while I ruminate on whether it is actually something I can arrange at some point, I would like to know when you all started to learn pointe work. I know we have discussed this a little before but if you’d humour me, that’d be great!

So stuff like…

1) how long into ballet classes did you start pointe work?

2) did you need to be able to achieve a certain move like extended rise or strong releve before you could move into pointe?

3) were your early pointe classes particularly tricky, technically? Or just hard work?

4) did you have great balance when you started pointe work?

Anything else you would like to add? 🙂

Well, thanks for listening. Here’s to uncaging secrets. Here’s to these feet possibly being in pointe shoes some day!

Zoë